So many Mums around me of late have been sharing their journey's and have been very brave in opening their hearts and telling about the challenges they are currently facing and have faced in the past. For this reason I have been inspired to be brave and share my story.
Several years ago I had a breakdown, a full scale head first dive into a deep, dark, black hole. I was completely incapacitated, I was in a state of full blown anxiety and could hardly step out of my bedroom let alone my house. I lived in a personal hell where I couldn't sleep, eat or function. I lost 7 kilos which if you know how slim I am already was not a pleasant thing. I could not function in the world and I wanted it all to end. The effect it had on my family and partner was profound but I was powerless to stop it. I was capable of only living in my own small box barely keeping my head above water. Eventually I was taken to hospital and then to a psychiatrist who told me I had clinical depression and had suffered from a mild form of it almost my whole life and I had finally reached breaking point. I started medication and became stabilised again but really this was only the beginning of my journey.
The feelings that I experienced when I was in this place are very hard to describe. Words just don't seem to do it justice. Despair. Helplessness. Unworthiness. Darkness. Really these are just scraping the surface. The way you feel when you are depressed I would not wish it on anyone. It is something you don't want to feel even for one minute of the day but you can't escape it, awake, asleep, watching tv, reading, talking, eating, drinking every single daily activity is saturated with these feelings. There is no respite. For these reasons depression is also utterly exhausting. You feel like you are living a double life with how you feel inside and how you seem on the surface. It is like you are in the middle of a crowded room screaming and nobody takes notice. You are lonely even when surrounded by loved ones.
I have vivid memories of saying to Chris over and over why is this happening to me? And avidly wishing that depression was something you could just get removed like a faulty organ. I would have given anything to make it go away.
I want to write about depression because not enough people talk about it. Mental health is a mind field, people are very uncomfortable talking about it because they can't bare to think about it happening to themselves. People with mental health issues already have so much to cope with and it makes me sad that there is such a taboo surrounding this topic as really when someone is suffering the last thing they need to feel is ostracised.
Depression did take a lot away from me all those years ago but now I look at it as a gift. It truly has given me so much and made me the person I am today. It pushed me to my limit but in this dark place I found so much, spirituality, how strong I can be, and the ability to empathise and never pass judgement on others going through similar experiences. I read my first book on Buddhism on one of my darkest days and I am forever grateful for that. Depression forces me to strive to be the best I can be, I need to be vigilant in taking care of myself, exercise, eat well, and practice mindfulness. Otherwise it creeps back. I see it as a motivating force and nowadays the black dog and I are more friends than enemies.
The medication is a story in itself that I won't go into today but I am happy to say that after years of working my ass off I am not on medication anymore. I have much gratitude for the chemicals that saved my life but as my husband so eloquently put it they provide a floor so you don't fall into that place but they also enforce a ceiling that means you can only go so high. It got to the point for me where I felt restricted by the medication and I knew it was time to come off them. Not as easy as it sounds but I am very proud of myself for coming so far.
My last words on this subject is to practice kindness to one another. You never, ever know what someone else is going through beyond the mask they project to the world. Everyone is doing the best they can possibly do at the time, with the resources they have been given. There is no shame in falling apart and getting help. I hope my story helps others feel that they can ask me about any of the things I have been through and know that their story is safe with me. I want my story to inspire others to get help if they need it and stop living in denial. If you aren't coping in daily life for longer than two weeks or so that is not okay. Every single one of us has a birthright to be happy, peaceful and fulfilled don't deny yourself that. Life is simply too short.
Websites I found helpful: http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/
http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx
Love to all
L x
Several years ago I had a breakdown, a full scale head first dive into a deep, dark, black hole. I was completely incapacitated, I was in a state of full blown anxiety and could hardly step out of my bedroom let alone my house. I lived in a personal hell where I couldn't sleep, eat or function. I lost 7 kilos which if you know how slim I am already was not a pleasant thing. I could not function in the world and I wanted it all to end. The effect it had on my family and partner was profound but I was powerless to stop it. I was capable of only living in my own small box barely keeping my head above water. Eventually I was taken to hospital and then to a psychiatrist who told me I had clinical depression and had suffered from a mild form of it almost my whole life and I had finally reached breaking point. I started medication and became stabilised again but really this was only the beginning of my journey.
The feelings that I experienced when I was in this place are very hard to describe. Words just don't seem to do it justice. Despair. Helplessness. Unworthiness. Darkness. Really these are just scraping the surface. The way you feel when you are depressed I would not wish it on anyone. It is something you don't want to feel even for one minute of the day but you can't escape it, awake, asleep, watching tv, reading, talking, eating, drinking every single daily activity is saturated with these feelings. There is no respite. For these reasons depression is also utterly exhausting. You feel like you are living a double life with how you feel inside and how you seem on the surface. It is like you are in the middle of a crowded room screaming and nobody takes notice. You are lonely even when surrounded by loved ones.
I have vivid memories of saying to Chris over and over why is this happening to me? And avidly wishing that depression was something you could just get removed like a faulty organ. I would have given anything to make it go away.
I want to write about depression because not enough people talk about it. Mental health is a mind field, people are very uncomfortable talking about it because they can't bare to think about it happening to themselves. People with mental health issues already have so much to cope with and it makes me sad that there is such a taboo surrounding this topic as really when someone is suffering the last thing they need to feel is ostracised.
Depression did take a lot away from me all those years ago but now I look at it as a gift. It truly has given me so much and made me the person I am today. It pushed me to my limit but in this dark place I found so much, spirituality, how strong I can be, and the ability to empathise and never pass judgement on others going through similar experiences. I read my first book on Buddhism on one of my darkest days and I am forever grateful for that. Depression forces me to strive to be the best I can be, I need to be vigilant in taking care of myself, exercise, eat well, and practice mindfulness. Otherwise it creeps back. I see it as a motivating force and nowadays the black dog and I are more friends than enemies.
The medication is a story in itself that I won't go into today but I am happy to say that after years of working my ass off I am not on medication anymore. I have much gratitude for the chemicals that saved my life but as my husband so eloquently put it they provide a floor so you don't fall into that place but they also enforce a ceiling that means you can only go so high. It got to the point for me where I felt restricted by the medication and I knew it was time to come off them. Not as easy as it sounds but I am very proud of myself for coming so far.
My last words on this subject is to practice kindness to one another. You never, ever know what someone else is going through beyond the mask they project to the world. Everyone is doing the best they can possibly do at the time, with the resources they have been given. There is no shame in falling apart and getting help. I hope my story helps others feel that they can ask me about any of the things I have been through and know that their story is safe with me. I want my story to inspire others to get help if they need it and stop living in denial. If you aren't coping in daily life for longer than two weeks or so that is not okay. Every single one of us has a birthright to be happy, peaceful and fulfilled don't deny yourself that. Life is simply too short.
Websites I found helpful: http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/
http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx
Love to all
L x
Lucy, you are such an brave person for coming out and sharing your story with us. It takes guts to talk about something so personal and you are a very strong person today for doing so. I couldn't agree more, it is time to break down the silence of depression and to let people know it is okay to seek help. Much love x
ReplyDeleteLucy, I applaud and admire your strength and honesty. Mental illness has affected 2 of my family members, so I know how awful it can be, despite not suffering from it myself. Not many people can share their story the way you have. Acceptance, respect and non-judgement. I love it. You are an inspiration.
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