Confessions of a first time Mum

So I'm just going to come out and say something that I feel needs to be said....................................... Some days I hate being a Mum. It's not that I hate my son in fact its because I love him so much that these days are particularly hard. The days where for 3 months he has been getting more and more difficult and more and more whiny and clingy and then he won't sleep, he won't play on his own and he cries every time the slightest thing goes amiss. Everything you thought you knew about your child and parenting goes right out the window and you are left wondering what to do.

It is soon after that I get mother guilt, thinking along the lines of maybe if I just sacrificed myself a little bit more, played with him more or performed some kind of magical spell while standing on one leg and hopping he would stop being upset. Mother guilt sucks.

Then I get worried, worried that this will never end and he will stay this way forever.

A huge reason for me wanting to express al this is I feel so much of it is behind closed doors. So much of motherhood is romanticised and when you ask other mothers how they are doing they seem to have it all under control. Now I don't know if I am the only person on the planet with a child that has two heads (the angel and the devil) but most of the time, I feel like I am. Its kind of like mental illness, people don't want to admit that sometimes it feels crap because if they admit it it means they are weak. Well if that makes me a weak Mum I want everyone to know so that maybe someone won't feel so alone.

And another thing my son does not sleep through 7pm to 7am, nor has he ever except for one blissful week or two where he did. In fact not only has he never slept through lately he has gone back to waking up 3 times again. I admit this because sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough because my baby is still waking and I won't leave him to cry it out.

One other thing that sometimes sucks when your a Mum is that you become invisible all of a sudden. No one asks you how you are and generally you get the briefest if any greeting at all, when you see people. I have become so invisible that when i chopped all my hair off recently my Mum didn't even notice as she was too busy paying attention to E.

My house isn't perfectly clean all the time in fact its not perfectly clean most of the time and some weeks it is a complete mess. I let my baby fall asleep on the boob (when he is co operating) and he is in our bed at least a few times a week. I never let him cry it out although I can usually tell the difference between a real cry and just fussing and I am ok with leaving him then. Oh and one last thing I am completely making this parenting thing up as I go along. Most the time I have no idea what I am doing, except for what my instincts tell me and what feels right in my heart.

Now I understand that it was my choice to have this child and I get that it is a privilege to bring up a child but sometimes it would be nice if it was just about me again. No one ever really says "hey you are doing an incredible job," you don't get a day off, and you don't get paid for what you do except in gummy smiles, which I admit are pretty special .

Yes of course being a parent has its amazing rewards and you do get a lot out of it but this post isn't about that. This post is about the dark days, where you are knee deep in it and you can't see a light at the end of the tunnel and then finally when you do see a light turns out it is really just a train heading straight for you!

So I dedicate this post to all the Mums out there, all you fabulous, exhausted, beautiful souls who even when its the hardest of days will still get up and do what's necessary to care for your children. Because we are all doing the best we possibly can in each and every moment of this journey. Oh and you are not invisible to me, in fact you're light and love shines brightly and encourages me to keep going when it all seems too hard.

L xxx