some of my demons

The things I wrestle with the most are generally self doubt, pessimistic outlook on life, attachment to the future and being way too hard on myself. These demons have been coming out to play a lot of late due to an unusual amount of stress in my life. It frustrates me that I get myself into this state and all the tools I have taught myself over a lifetime seem to go out the window. I forget to meditate, I forget to breathe and live in the moment. I then have to remind myself that these practices will come back to me when the moment is right. I also have to constantly remind myself that there is a divine plan for me and my family I just need to trust.

Self doubt has been plaguing me of late with how i parent. I seem to get into this great rhythm with E and then something happens to rock the boat and I feel like I am back at square one again. E's sleep has been a bit rocky lately due to sickness and instead of trusting I am doing the right thing and sticking to what I have been doing all along I start questioning myself and wondering if I am doing something to make things worse or maybe there is something I could be doing differently. I have no idea why I do this. Yesterday I had a breakthrough and I realised that I do know what I'm doing and I have been doing the right thing all along. I just need to remind myself in these times of turmoil.

This week I also just wanted to acknowledge that Grandpa has passed away. I am so happy that it happened in a peaceful way and feel so much gratitude for the time we spent with him and the opportunity we got to say goodbye. He will be dearly missed, he lovingly cultivated a very special home that the whole family was always welcome in. Thank you Grandpa for teaching me what family truly is xox

L