2011 reflections

As this is my last post for 2011 I wanted to share my reflections on the events that have occurred. As I had a baby in May the post is predominately about pregnancy, birth and parenting. Thought it only fair to warn you!

This time last year I was pregnant and I had recently announced to the world that I was pregnant. The outpouring of love was intense and overwhelming, people just got so excited and it was touching how much people cared. I had just gotten over the awful morning (all day) sickness and I was so very impatient to get my baby belly!

We had also done a lot of renovating on our house including knocking down a load bearing wall and putting in a steel beam to support it, as well as painting and changing doors and blinds. Lots of transition in our house. 

When I fell pregnant I was heavily into my yoga studies and tried my hardest to keep the physical side of my practice up but as the pregnancy progressed it became harder and harder to keep up and I had to let a lot of it go. As well as the physical side of yoga I found it hard to keep up with the spiritual studies as my mind was very much in baby land so I let most of that go as well although meditation was and still is very much a part of my daily life.

One part of my pregnancy that I found difficult was the large cyst on my left ovary and as the pregnancy progressed so did the cyst so much so that we called it my other baby! For a lot of the pregnancy the cyst was bigger than E and I had many a specialist poke and prod me with fun words like "cancer" and "malignant" thrown around I was well and truly keen to get the thing out of me. All the while I am trying to maintain a peaceful state of mind for the baby and myself. There were times that this pregnancy was very stressful.

Upon reflection I have often wondered what it would have been like if modern medicine was around and we didn't have ultrasounds. The amount of imaging that I had was phenomenal and doctors around me were obsessed with labelling and diagnosing what was wrong with me. What would women have done hundreds of years ago? They would have been blissfully unaware of what was going on inside their body beside the growing baby and I wonder is all that really goes on today really for the best? The cyst was so large by the time I had E that it was bigger than his head, if we had not known about it would it have stopped me having him naturally? Would he have even fit through the birth canal? Would I have died? My midwife said he wouldn't have but it is something that we will never know for sure. In the end my ovary along with the cyst was removed in an emergency Cesarean but more about that later. 

Another thing that was going on in this pregnancy was E being breach this of course made me determined to get him to turn! I was already getting regular acupuncture and had done so for years so naturally we started moxibustion every evening to get E moving. I also of course started getting Webster chiropractic from Travis at http://www.backtofront.com.au/ which is designed to get all the muscles and any spasm in the uterus to release so that baby can turn. Finally of course I saw my stunning, divine and wonderful teacher Carrie from http://www.myhealthyoga.com/ to get a healing. She is also psychic and had actually told me I was pregnant before I knew! On this occasion she did tell me that I was going to get a Caesar which in the end turned out to be correct. 

So after all these efforts my boy being the stubborn being he is (well he is my son!) did not turn and not only that he came 3 weeks early. This led to hasty decision making and an emergency Caesar at the mater hospital. Upon reflection I am not sad that it turned out this way as I know everything happens for a reason. I was so happy that my boy was born safe and healthy (albeit skinny) that i didn't really care how. It also helped that i had 7 hours of labour and was fully dilated by the time I got on the operating table so I didn't feel that I had missed out completely. Next time though I am determined to have a vbac but as I learnt with E a lot of it is up to the bub. Really I learnt to let go, surrender to the process as it is part of something much larger than me. Having a Cesarean also allowed me to understand a different side of birth, one where you feel you have to make a tough decision for the safety of your child. I distinctly remember saying when I first saw E "Wow it is still special this way." This has since led me to realise I had some preconceptions about how a Caesar would make me feel less than if it had been a natural birth but really I don't think that kind of love can be stopped no matter how the child was born.

Since E was born it has been a roller coaster ride of emotion, when I first had him the word I used to describe how it felt was "intense." Intense in every way, intense love, intense exhaustion, intense joy, intense frustration, intense fear. Again at some point I learnt to surrender to the process I suddenly realised that it was time to release my old life, forget about ever getting as much sleep again and try to enjoy every moment as it is all very temporary and very fleeting. Letting go of who I was and transforming into my new life was at times sad and I remember feeling grief for what was. However, this little being that is completely dependant on me is incredible and the love I feel for him is all consuming. This has always outweighed the challenging moments. 

So since then my life has transformed into my days being filled with nap times, poo times, bath times, bed times and play times and I love it. Never have I felt so much peace and happiness. To be a parent is to live every day practicing what yogi's call dharma, which is to serve another. It also is a practice in letting go, letting go of control, letting go of your little one with each milestone that they reach. It has also allowed me to let go of old judgements and ideas that I used to have about parenting and I have found that what I thought I would and would not do went out the window when I first lay eyes on my little man.

So 2011 has been a year full of learning to surrender, let go and live in the moment.

To finish up I just want to express my love for the gorgeous people who bless my life every day, my family and my friends. I am truly lucky to be living this life on this planet in this exact spot, right here right now.

As for the year to come? Well I know it will be filled with those same intense emotions and the joy of watching my son grow will fill my days. I also hope to continue my spiritual journey and integrate yoga, both physically and mentally back into my life little by little. 2012 will be a glorious love filled year!

Sending you love, joy and peace
Namaste
L