Gaining inspiration yet again from "Buddhism for Mothers" by Sarah Napthali I have decided to write about worry and how to reduce it from our lives. I know I worry way too much and it's something I'm trying to reduce in my daily life.
The costs of worrying are endless they are both physical and mental. High blood pressure, heart problems, stomach ulcers and breathing difficulties are some of the known physical effects of worry. Worry weighs down our minds and stops us from working to our full potential it interrupts our sleep and wears away at our well being. It shortens our fuse and changes the way we would normally react. We need to stop and think about what is going on underneath when we worry. Try and figure out what is behind the mental loop we get ourselves in.
My parents are deeply entrenched worriers and for as long as I can remember there was always something to be stressed about. Because of this tendency to worry all the time it put me off (and still does) telling them things that go on in my life. Especially stressful things, because to tell then anything stressful actually makes the situation worse, not only do I have the problem I'm dealing with but I also have the burden of knowing I have added to their worrying ways! They miss out on chunks of my life and when I think about my son I know I want him to be able to tell me anything and I don't want to miss out on his life so I need to do something about this old habit and quick smart.
Buddhism to the rescue again! When it comes to my boy I find myself worrying about all sorts of irrational things but from reading this book book I have realised that suffering is a part of life and therefore is an inevitable part of my child's life. While I will do my best to make his life as happy as I can I am now going to accept that sometimes there is little I can do. Sometimes he is going to suffer no matter what and by saying things like "my child should always be happy" I am actually making things worse by putting a whole load of pressure on myself. Often suffering and disappointment lead to our most powerful lessons and E will benefit greatly from these lessons and while it might be painful at the time it will pass and we will both be stronger, better people for it. Children also need to learn to deal with life's failures and challenges and I would rather he did it while I'm around to comfort him then when he has flown the nest.
So think about what your stubborn demands might be. Are they as I said above? An unrealistic expectation that our child's life must be happy. Or is it something else such as "my house must always be immaculate?" or "we need lots of money to be happy" all of us have ingrained worries that bug us in our daily lives. Sit down and think about what gives you the most angst and write it down. Then try to convert it into preferences rather than demands. So instead of; my child must excel academically you could say it would be nice if my child excelled academically but it won't kill us if he doesn't. Slowly weed out all the little niggling thoughts that wear away at your heart, soul, mind and body and try to convert them into something more productive. I'll be right there with you. Just remember the worry is generally worse than the reality itself.
So to sum up this is what we can do about worry:
The costs of worrying are endless they are both physical and mental. High blood pressure, heart problems, stomach ulcers and breathing difficulties are some of the known physical effects of worry. Worry weighs down our minds and stops us from working to our full potential it interrupts our sleep and wears away at our well being. It shortens our fuse and changes the way we would normally react. We need to stop and think about what is going on underneath when we worry. Try and figure out what is behind the mental loop we get ourselves in.
My parents are deeply entrenched worriers and for as long as I can remember there was always something to be stressed about. Because of this tendency to worry all the time it put me off (and still does) telling them things that go on in my life. Especially stressful things, because to tell then anything stressful actually makes the situation worse, not only do I have the problem I'm dealing with but I also have the burden of knowing I have added to their worrying ways! They miss out on chunks of my life and when I think about my son I know I want him to be able to tell me anything and I don't want to miss out on his life so I need to do something about this old habit and quick smart.
Buddhism to the rescue again! When it comes to my boy I find myself worrying about all sorts of irrational things but from reading this book book I have realised that suffering is a part of life and therefore is an inevitable part of my child's life. While I will do my best to make his life as happy as I can I am now going to accept that sometimes there is little I can do. Sometimes he is going to suffer no matter what and by saying things like "my child should always be happy" I am actually making things worse by putting a whole load of pressure on myself. Often suffering and disappointment lead to our most powerful lessons and E will benefit greatly from these lessons and while it might be painful at the time it will pass and we will both be stronger, better people for it. Children also need to learn to deal with life's failures and challenges and I would rather he did it while I'm around to comfort him then when he has flown the nest.
So think about what your stubborn demands might be. Are they as I said above? An unrealistic expectation that our child's life must be happy. Or is it something else such as "my house must always be immaculate?" or "we need lots of money to be happy" all of us have ingrained worries that bug us in our daily lives. Sit down and think about what gives you the most angst and write it down. Then try to convert it into preferences rather than demands. So instead of; my child must excel academically you could say it would be nice if my child excelled academically but it won't kill us if he doesn't. Slowly weed out all the little niggling thoughts that wear away at your heart, soul, mind and body and try to convert them into something more productive. I'll be right there with you. Just remember the worry is generally worse than the reality itself.
So to sum up this is what we can do about worry:
- Realise the need to manage the worrying mind so that it doesn't affect our children.
- Remember that the more you worry, the more you worry. Every thought has a karmic effect.
- Consider writing as a way to consciously explore and manage your worries.
- Accept some suffering as a natural part of life, realising that aversion or battling against the suffering can be more painful than the suffering itself.
- Watch your thoughts and notice when they are snowballing or distorting.
- Identify any unhelpful beliefs, such as 'My child must not suffer.'
- Become aware of your unconscious demands and try to convert them to preferences.
- Meditate.
- Explore your worries using mindful investigation, observing whatever comes up and remaining open to new directions.
Until next time!
L xx
Excellent post! I can see how this applies to everyone, parent or not.
ReplyDeleteOne helpful piece of advice I received from an old boss was: 'You will only worry if you don't have a plan'. So, if you are struggling to stop thinking about your worry, come up with a plan for how you would react if (and that word is key: IF) it actually eventuated.
For example, if you're worried your baby might hurt him or herself at home, your action plan could be to give them excellent first aid then get him/her to a doctor or hospital ASAP. This might mean you take a first aid course, and maybe have a list of nearby medical people near the phone.
In this way, whenever you start worrying about it, you can say to yourself 'But I already know what I would do, so worrying won't help me' (for all the reasons you have listed above!) And, if the worst should happen, you can reduce the stress of that situation by putting your plan into action (instead of having to come up with a plan on the spot).
I love reading your posts Luce, keep it up!