2011 reflections

As this is my last post for 2011 I wanted to share my reflections on the events that have occurred. As I had a baby in May the post is predominately about pregnancy, birth and parenting. Thought it only fair to warn you!

This time last year I was pregnant and I had recently announced to the world that I was pregnant. The outpouring of love was intense and overwhelming, people just got so excited and it was touching how much people cared. I had just gotten over the awful morning (all day) sickness and I was so very impatient to get my baby belly!

We had also done a lot of renovating on our house including knocking down a load bearing wall and putting in a steel beam to support it, as well as painting and changing doors and blinds. Lots of transition in our house. 

When I fell pregnant I was heavily into my yoga studies and tried my hardest to keep the physical side of my practice up but as the pregnancy progressed it became harder and harder to keep up and I had to let a lot of it go. As well as the physical side of yoga I found it hard to keep up with the spiritual studies as my mind was very much in baby land so I let most of that go as well although meditation was and still is very much a part of my daily life.

One part of my pregnancy that I found difficult was the large cyst on my left ovary and as the pregnancy progressed so did the cyst so much so that we called it my other baby! For a lot of the pregnancy the cyst was bigger than E and I had many a specialist poke and prod me with fun words like "cancer" and "malignant" thrown around I was well and truly keen to get the thing out of me. All the while I am trying to maintain a peaceful state of mind for the baby and myself. There were times that this pregnancy was very stressful.

Upon reflection I have often wondered what it would have been like if modern medicine was around and we didn't have ultrasounds. The amount of imaging that I had was phenomenal and doctors around me were obsessed with labelling and diagnosing what was wrong with me. What would women have done hundreds of years ago? They would have been blissfully unaware of what was going on inside their body beside the growing baby and I wonder is all that really goes on today really for the best? The cyst was so large by the time I had E that it was bigger than his head, if we had not known about it would it have stopped me having him naturally? Would he have even fit through the birth canal? Would I have died? My midwife said he wouldn't have but it is something that we will never know for sure. In the end my ovary along with the cyst was removed in an emergency Cesarean but more about that later. 

Another thing that was going on in this pregnancy was E being breach this of course made me determined to get him to turn! I was already getting regular acupuncture and had done so for years so naturally we started moxibustion every evening to get E moving. I also of course started getting Webster chiropractic from Travis at http://www.backtofront.com.au/ which is designed to get all the muscles and any spasm in the uterus to release so that baby can turn. Finally of course I saw my stunning, divine and wonderful teacher Carrie from http://www.myhealthyoga.com/ to get a healing. She is also psychic and had actually told me I was pregnant before I knew! On this occasion she did tell me that I was going to get a Caesar which in the end turned out to be correct. 

So after all these efforts my boy being the stubborn being he is (well he is my son!) did not turn and not only that he came 3 weeks early. This led to hasty decision making and an emergency Caesar at the mater hospital. Upon reflection I am not sad that it turned out this way as I know everything happens for a reason. I was so happy that my boy was born safe and healthy (albeit skinny) that i didn't really care how. It also helped that i had 7 hours of labour and was fully dilated by the time I got on the operating table so I didn't feel that I had missed out completely. Next time though I am determined to have a vbac but as I learnt with E a lot of it is up to the bub. Really I learnt to let go, surrender to the process as it is part of something much larger than me. Having a Cesarean also allowed me to understand a different side of birth, one where you feel you have to make a tough decision for the safety of your child. I distinctly remember saying when I first saw E "Wow it is still special this way." This has since led me to realise I had some preconceptions about how a Caesar would make me feel less than if it had been a natural birth but really I don't think that kind of love can be stopped no matter how the child was born.

Since E was born it has been a roller coaster ride of emotion, when I first had him the word I used to describe how it felt was "intense." Intense in every way, intense love, intense exhaustion, intense joy, intense frustration, intense fear. Again at some point I learnt to surrender to the process I suddenly realised that it was time to release my old life, forget about ever getting as much sleep again and try to enjoy every moment as it is all very temporary and very fleeting. Letting go of who I was and transforming into my new life was at times sad and I remember feeling grief for what was. However, this little being that is completely dependant on me is incredible and the love I feel for him is all consuming. This has always outweighed the challenging moments. 

So since then my life has transformed into my days being filled with nap times, poo times, bath times, bed times and play times and I love it. Never have I felt so much peace and happiness. To be a parent is to live every day practicing what yogi's call dharma, which is to serve another. It also is a practice in letting go, letting go of control, letting go of your little one with each milestone that they reach. It has also allowed me to let go of old judgements and ideas that I used to have about parenting and I have found that what I thought I would and would not do went out the window when I first lay eyes on my little man.

So 2011 has been a year full of learning to surrender, let go and live in the moment.

To finish up I just want to express my love for the gorgeous people who bless my life every day, my family and my friends. I am truly lucky to be living this life on this planet in this exact spot, right here right now.

As for the year to come? Well I know it will be filled with those same intense emotions and the joy of watching my son grow will fill my days. I also hope to continue my spiritual journey and integrate yoga, both physically and mentally back into my life little by little. 2012 will be a glorious love filled year!

Sending you love, joy and peace
Namaste
L

   

What would you tell your younger self?

While reading another blog I gained inspiration for this weeks post and wanted to share ten pieces of advice I would give my 18 year old self:

1. FEEL whatever feelings come to you don't judge them as good or bad just see them as "what is" and what you need to feel in this moment. Pushing them deep down inside will only cause you pain later on.

2. Stop caring what others think you are the master of your destiny and the only person who gets to live your fabulous life.

3. Don't judge others, you have no idea what other stuff is going on in their life and if you are judging others than you will feel judged as well.

4. Take responsibility for all your actions and for your own happiness don't blame others for difficult situations that arise in your life, instead look at yourself and see what needs to change in order to move through it.

5. Live in the moment because that is all we ever truly have.

6. Practice gratitude.

7. You are entitled to all the abundance of the universe as well as happiness. It is your birth right.

8. So what if you don't know what you want to do with your life? Who really does?

9. The universe will always give you the lessons you need to learn and if you ignore the lesson the first time around the universe will just give it to you again until you have learnt it.

10. You are not your mind or your thoughts, your true self is what you feel when your mind is quiet and you feel that inner love, joy and peace that really makes up who you are.

This was a valuable exercise for me as it gave me insight into what I have learnt over the years. It also allowed me to realise that I needed to go through whatever I have so far to become who I am today which in turn made me feel gratitude for all the experiences I have had. Pretty powerful stuff. Hope everyone is feeling the love of the festive season.

Love and light
Lucy x  

The power of NOW

This weeks blog post has been inspired by the brilliant book called the power of now which I am currently reading. It is an awesome book and has been providing many light bulb moments for me and I am only part way through! The theme I want to write on today is the difference between our ego (our mind) and our true selves which is much deeper within.

So I have mentioned in the past that we have a "true self" and that this true self is not our mind. It is very common in our society to be ruled by our thoughts and our feelings, in fact it is so common that it is seen as normal to be deeply attached to our thoughts. The reason our thoughts are so dominant in our lives is that we have identified so strongly with them that we believe them to be who we are and we have been made to believe that if we quiet our mind then we aren't being our genuine selves.

This is not the case. Our true self is what we feel when the mind is quiet it's that deep sense of peace and joy that we feel within that doesn't come from an external source. It is actually a higher state of awareness above our thoughts. So when we learn to observe our thoughts we feel a different presence one that is actually free of the pain that excessive thought brings about.

We are "the witness" and "the witness" is a silent watcher of everything that goes on in our lives it doesn't get attached to thoughts or feelings it doesn't feel things that are temporary such as pleasure or pain. It doesn't judge others or ourselves it is just a never ending well of love joy and peace that never goes away and can never be taken away by anyone or anything. Our ego can hide it from us but it is ever present and we can access it at any time.

Sounds pretty amazing right? So how do we start to create space within to allow more of our genuine selves to shine through? Well meditation is one way, even just focusing on our breath, but i have discovered another technique which is a useful tool to easily practice everyday.

Recapitulation: essentially this is a technique to utilise right before you go to sleep. What you do is run through your day in your mind from when you woke up to the present moment, only spending a couple of seconds on each event. Its like pressing fast forward on your day and watching it  like a movie. Spend five minutes on it in total. Don't judge any of the moments in your day just move through them. If you find yourself stuck on an event, feeling it assessing it, judging it just keep moving. Keep going till you get to where you are right now. Doesn't matter if you spend more than five minutes but do move through it quickly. If you are someone who falls asleep easily I would suggest you do it sitting up otherwise you'll never get to the end!  

So what does this process do for us? Two things, it allows us to process what has happened to us during the day and let it go, we will then have a lighter load to carry throughout our lives.

The second thing it does is encourages us to live more consciously. By playing our day in fast forward for five minutes we will naturally gravitate towards more nourishing choices and we will become a witness to our own lives. We will gently encourage ourselves to recognise the silent witness within and we will begin to understand who we are on a much deeper level. Such a powerful yet simple tool! I have been practicing this every day for a few weeks now and I have really noticed a difference in my day and have found it much easier to detach when I am experiencing certain emotions and negative thoughts.

Lastly if you would like to meditate on a regular basis i would encourage you to join up to the chopra centers 21 day meditation challenge. There is a new one starting in early 2012 and they send you a daily mediation for free for 21 days and it is great to get you in the habit of practicing mindful thinking. Website is: www.chopra.com

Love, light and gratitude to those who read my words

Lucy x